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Help When You’re G
The funeral is over. Your loved one is gone. All of the people who came to pay their respects have left. Now, all that’s left is you and a quiet emptiness and an extreme sense of loss. It’s just you and your grief.
This is normal. People feel bad when they lose those they were once close to, liked or shared a life with; whether it was a husband, wife, mother, father, grandparent, cousin, child or friend. That person once had a place in your life and now they’re gone. But you are left here experiencing the pain of loss. Some people may be able to take a little time and move on; others may need a months or longer to deal with their feelings before they even know what their next step will be. Whether you’re able to get through your grief in the allowed 3-5 bereavement days allotted to you by work (or society) or not, you must take the time you need to grieve.
Research shows that if grief is put off instead of processed, it can become a bigger issue. At worst, it can stay with you and affect the rest of your life. Grief you have not felt, acknowledged or dealt with, multiplied with other losses or life challenges, can become “chronic,” “complicated,” “cumulative,” “masked,” “delayed” or “disenfranchised.” These are all names for grief that could become an intense, chronic state of mourning. Grief not addressed can develop into depression, an inability to function, lethargy, weight loss or gain, uncontrolled anger or self-destructive behaviors. When grief becomes too much to bear, it’s important to seek help.
Deal with it now...or later
“We live in a culture that doesn’t teach us how to grieve appropriately,”
said Becky A. Hall, LMSW, bereavement coordinator for Ascension Healthcare. “Those who are grieving are often overlooked because their pain is usually not seen.” Hall explained that when grief is not addressed it can cause complications. “Avoiding a previous loss can make a new one significantly more painful,” she said. Unfinished business may surface as the new loss triggers previous losses, placing the griever at risk for complicated grief.”
Such was the case for Oakland county resident Kathy when she first experienced grief at age nine. “My dad died suddenly in the middle of the night. Mom came into the bedroom shared by my older sister and I, and said that our dad was dead,” said Kathy. “The ambulance came, took him away and my mom didn’t know what to do with us because she was in shock, so she sent us to school hours before the building was open.”
Kathy’s mom didn’t get help dealing with her grief and withdrew into herself. “When you’re nine, you don’t know what to do. After dad died, it left a big empty space. Not only did we lose him, we lost contact with all his friends and all the things we used to do together. We would camp, fish and travel all over the place and that all ended when he passed away.” It was a loss on many levels.
“We live in a culture that doesn’t teach us how to grieve ...”
She continued, “I didn’t have anyone to count on so I became very independent.” Kathy mentioned that this was probably why she didn’t want to get married. “I think if you don’t deal with your grief, it just makes it that much worse later in life.”
At age 34, Kathy met her future husband Dave. “He had the most wonderful smile. If I was in a bad mood, Dave would just smile at me until I couldn’t take it anymore and I’d have to smile back,” said Kathy. The pair married in 1994 and all was wonderful for a while.
“Shortly after our second anniversary Dave was in pain from what turned out to be acute pancreatitis,” Kathy said. “We ended up in the emergency room and he almost died that Thanksgiving Day.” He stopped breathing in the ICU and they resuscitated him. Complications from the surgery that followed would haunt him for years.
Then one evening in February of 2015, Dave wasn’t feeling well. Nervous about insurance coverage, they held off going to the hospital until the next morning. By the time they arrived at the emergency room, his condition had worsened. “First they were going to do a test and then they were going to intubate him. The next thing I knew, doctors were doing CPR on him for 45 minutes,” Kathy said. Dave died at age 59 from a pulmonary embolism in his lung.
“It was so unexpected and sudden,” said Kathy. “At first, it’s like nothing but shock and crying, trying to get beyond the funeral arrangements. Fortunately, friends and family helped me.”
People would say, “Let me know if I can help you in any way ... but some- times you don’t even know what you need.” She said it was better when people stepped up to offer practical assistance. “My brother-in-law sold Dave’s car, my sister-in-law took me out to lunch, and my sister initiated cleaning out a spare room that was cluttered with Dave’s belongings. Things like that were so helpful to me,” Kathy said.
But Kathy’s previous experience with her father’s death complicated her experience with Dave’s passing. She recalled, “For the six months that followed the funeral, I was just numb and I went on like that until I started getting feedback from others who said, You’re not doing very well.” Someone finally suggested I seek help from a grief counselor.”
Finding the help you need
According to Hall, “Grief counseling provides a supportive atmosphere where a person can grieve in their own organic way because grief is unique to each person and a grief counselor is sensitive to those needs.”
Facilitator Hall suggests grievers attend meetings a few times to see if it's a good fit for them.
It was while attending sessions with her grief counselor that Kathy was encouraged to join a local grief support group. Hall explained what happens there. “If you are new to the group, we start with introductions where we each member briefly shares who they are and what brought them to the group. Self- disclosure is done on the griever’s terms. Sometimes sitting quietly and listening
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